I’m a Jinx

feeling a little too much like the Loose Cannon

I watched Arcane when it first came out and rewatching it while recovering from a psychosis episode brought me so much comfort. Especially the character Jinx/Powder. I mean it’s even in the name. At 16 I decided that I couldn’t survive the amount of emotional pain and trauma I stored and so I became my pen name: Hachi. Powder, my birth name and Hachi is Jinx. Hachi makes no mistakes, makes people proud, get things done. The old me wasn’t “good enough”. She made mistakes, could not interact with people in healthy way, got abandoned, etc… I had to adopt a new persona to not end up erased from the earth.

As an autistic person, heavily relating to fictional characters and adopting their characteristics is nothing new to me. But there was something so familiar and magnetic about Jinx, I found myself bleaching pants with her symbols she paints, painting my nails like hers, I found myself trying to walk how she does, and many of her lines in the show becoming vocal stems especially when I was in high distress (I even entertained the thought of playing LOL, I know crazy). It’s cringy to admit for me, but I want to explain my connection to this character in hopes of better understanding myself.

Childhood

My childhood was a mental war zone, unlike the physical one Powder and Vi find themselves in at the start off the show and the war that always looms in the background of the series when they are grown up. In my mind the war never ended, I just shifted over time. It’s like that one Mitski song “Pearl”.

Sorry, I don't want your touch
It's not that I don't want you
Sorry, I can't take your touch

It's just that I fell in love with a war
Nobody told me it ended
And it left a pearl in my head
And I roll it around every night
Just to watch it glow
Every night, baby, that's where I go

I’m relate to never connecting with the “savior father” that Vander becomes when his own action lead to the death of the sister’s parents just as Powder never did. I should develop a healthy attachment but it never happens. I’m only attached to my Vi and desperately so. Without them I feel alone in the cruel world, and it’s a thought I can hardly take.

Being autistic lead me to be ostracized from my peers and me “jinxing” every social interaction I attempted. I excelled at school but fell horribly flat on the playground. Any friends I did make eventually got bored of me and left. And while its normal to grow apart from people, especially in childhood, I took the losses especially hard. I felt alone and abandoned and worst of all defective. This feeling doubled in romantic encounters. Having a crush is the most painful thing for me and being in a relationship is almost worse. It’s a constant battle in my brain to act “normal” so that I’m not abandoned. Not too clingy (even though I’m naturally so), not too much(whatever that means), and interesting/useful enough so that they will stay. I take on all the responsibility for the result of the encounter. When I became Hachi, I thought the noise would die off and I would be unstoppable.

While the new name did help affirm my gender identity and calm some of the noise that plagued my mind, it didn’t magically solve my problems and in fact it created new ones. Turns out splintering your personality for mental health reasons isn’t the answer to all of life’s trials!!

But there is always something inherently better about the past. I however starve myself of nostalgia to escape the pain of the past because it brings me farther from the good feelings and wholesome memories that reside there. The good memories often hurt more because of the immense lack I feel.

Trauma/Mental Health

Jinx’s psychotic features (her visual hallucinations, voices, and delusions) helped me understand myself more during my episode earlier this year. The way she battles this inner turmoil may be different than me but the end result of confusion and hurt for other parties is similar.

Sometimes I feel like a ghost and other times I feel like a bad omen, my signature a death sentence.

But I even relate to her child-like demeanor that’s a shield to cope with the world. My autism makes me drawn to what others would consider childish. I love splashing in puddles, collect stuffed animals, kick my feet when I eat, prefer watching cartoons, etc… But being parentified or forced to mature quickly lead to some of these behaviors. Today I embrace that whimsical side of me; I wear the clothes I want, host tea parties, buy mcdonald’s happy meals for the toys, put shells in my hair, and get halloween outfits for my Build-A-Bears.

My Build-A-Bears Aigu and Grave

And just like Jinx, I feel like no one really knew how to help me in my life when I went through my episode which left me feeling alone and immensely paranoid.

I worry that one day an episode will over take me and I’ll be lost forever and not one will be able to help.

Vi

My Vi is truly the light of my life and I worry the pressure it brings.

“Your voice pushing me, picking me up when all the colors went black. You’re the reason I’m still alive.”- Jinx to Vi

This scene and what Jinx says feels true to me. The good people in my life are the reason I’m still around, but what of the inevitable damage that is caused because of that fact.

It is a sick joke how for me and my Vi, we are always somehow pitted against each other but somehow our love for each other triumphs over all and we refuse to hurt each other. We rebuke the pressure of the world and choose each other no matter how bad the circumstances are. Yet, I fear for a day where we don’t like a bad dog: shaking, terrified, and using unnecessary violence to defend.

One would think being the eldest sibling, I would relate more to Vi. And while I do relate to her in some respects, mainly her temper and wish to protect her sibling, Jinx feels much more familiar to me.

Jealousy Jealousy

I used to have a real problem with jealousy and it’s such a complex emotion (okay maybe I still struggle with it sometimes). Often the object of our jealousy has nothing to do with the person we are jealous of but rather a need that is not being met or addressed. Jinx’s tendency to internalize external emotions and events is so sadly relatable to me and her jealousy over Caitlin is so me in middle school over friendships.

I now am able to recognize and properly address my jealousy which is fortunate but it’s a hard feeling to manage still because of that abandonment wound.

Silco

I kill my Silco every year, it’s an annual tradition. I never mean to, never go into the encounter expecting it to go that way but I will always choose Vi over anyone else. The lack of boundaries and the slight manipulation that is not malicious but still harmful taints our relationship.

But I love him, I do. We share a kindred trauma where he fills the hole that he created only for me to push him away in a way that feels unredeemable. He says I’m perfect no matter how much I mess up, and who else will tolerate all my ugly outbursts? The aftermath of our conflicts always leaves me broken which affirms my identity. Sounds like a vicious cycle right?

Silco and Jinx courtesy of Tenor

Creative Genius/Inspiration

Jinx is a creative genius. Her weapons and her innate ability to understand hex-tech is remarkable. For me it’s my writing! It’s crazy to think that in my own chaos storm of creativity that there are people who look up to me, people who see my creations and the mark they leave and want me to keep going. Thankfully my creations don’t literally kill people but I do understand that they can hurt other people’s feelings and I must constantly contend with that.

Ekko

I worry I’ve already ostracized my Ekko. I worry I’ve already ostracized my Ekko; if there as a person who loved who I was before I became Hachi and that they are painting murals of me in their memories. Or worse, they are on their way to put me down. That they have given up on me. Will I ever be too far gone?

Ekko and Jinx bridge fight courtesy of Tumblr user soforgetsummer

Final thoughts

With the new season coming this year, I’m excited to see how this character transforms within the show (okay i’m really nervous for a Jinx x Vi showdown actually) and to see if I continue to relate to her.

Who is your favorite Arcane character? And season 2 predictions?

Stay artfully curious,

Hachi

PS. why is Sevika so attractive 😭